When Toddler Tantrums Aren’t “Just a Phase”

One of the questions I get asked most often is: How do I know if tantrums are just part of normal development… or a sign that something deeper is going on?

Tantrums are challenging.

You’re trying to make dinner or get out the door. Your child is screaming because their toast broke or the socks don’t feel right. You’re exhausted from the day... or the week...and your partner is handling it differently again.

Maybe you're trying to stay calm, but inside you're tense, frustrated, and questioning everything. Or maybe you’re the one your child clings to... and the weight of always needing to be “the calm one” feels heavy. These moments are loud. Draining.

Sometimes lonely.

It’s not just about the tantrum — it’s the emotional toll it takes on you, your child and your relationship.

So how do you know when it’s more than just a phase?

Here are six gentle signs to look for:

1. Your child is no longer a toddler.
The toddler phase typically spans up to around age 3. If you’re finding that the tantrums are still intense well beyond this, it’s worth exploring what might be going on underneath.

2. You or your partner feel deeply triggered when the tantrums occur.
A powerful clue in understanding tantrums is noticing what’s happening inside your body when they unfold. Do you feel calm, supportive, and grounded? Or do you find yourself wanting to shut it down with bribes, ultimatums or time outs? Children can often sense when we’re emotionally overwhelmed… and sometimes, they’re reacting to our reactions.

3. You feel lost and unsure how to respond.
If you’re at a loss during tantrums, it’s not a sign of failure. It’s a sign there’s a skill gap… and that’s something you can absolutely learn. Knowing something needs to shift (but not knowing what yet) just means you’re aware and open. That’s where change begins.

4. Your child is wired for sensitivity.
Tantrums can be developmental. But when your child has a sensitive nervous system… that’s part of who they are. Sensitivity is not something to fix. It’s a beautiful strength when nurtured in the right way. The key is helping your child hold onto that sensitivity while still being able to navigate a world that often asks them to “toughen up.”

5. You and your partner handle tantrums differently… and one way works better.
When a child starts showing a strong preference for one parent, it’s often a sign that the approaches you’re using are creating a disconnect. That’s not a blame game… it’s an invitation to get on the same page. Because children feel safest when the adults around them are working as a team.

6. Your toddler is trying to tell you something… and you can’t quite hear it.
Listening is more than just hearing words. It’s noticing body cues, tone changes, shifts in face colour or posture… it’s understanding the things that aren’t said aloud. This kind of listening is a skill… and most of us were never taught how. But it’s never too late to learn.

And here's why our approach matters so deeply.
How we respond to our child’s big feelings in these early years teaches them how to respond to themselves. When we meet tantrums with calm, presence, and curiosity ...instead of shame, distraction or shutdown.. we’re helping them understand what they feel, why they feel it, and how to move through it. Over time, this builds self-awareness, emotional intelligence and...perhaps most powerfully...the ability to trust their own inner signals.

This connection to their inner world is what lays the foundation for intuition — the felt sense of what’s right for them. And in a world that’s constantly trying to tell our kids who to be, what to believe, and how to act… that internal compass becomes everything

Helping your toddler navigate their emotions now isn’t just about making the days easier (though it will). It’s about shaping how they relate to themselves for life.

And why I'm so passionate about teaching parents the skills that I didn't have...

Dina, is your child’s tantrum trying to tell you more than meets the eye?

If so, you’re not broken. You’re not a bad parent. You’re simply a parent who’s growing… right alongside your child. That’s not weakness. That’s courage.

Progress over perfection, every time.

P.S. If tantrums leave you feeling like nothing works.. no matter how patient you try to be.. you’re not alone. My free guide, “Toddler Won’t Listen?” will help you understand what’s really going on underneath your child’s behaviour and give you simple tools to turn chaos into connection. Download it here: www.dinacooper.com.au/toddlerwontlisten